Andi's Dreams

Dreams of Nick

In the Hospital
Shortly after his death

We were in a hospital, but it was a private room. Nick was laying on the bed perpendicular to the wall and he had no machines hooked up to him. He was laying there with only a hospital sheet on like he had just recently passed. I walked over to the bed and sat with one leg on the bed and the other on the ground supporting my weight and I just sat there staring at him.

All of a sudden he sat up and smiled his “Nick” smile at me. I shouted out and grabbed him as tight as I could. I pressed his cheek against my chest and stroked the back of his hair. It was very much his hair. It was like straw and thick and lay down perfectly against the back of his head. I laid my face on the top of his head and just held him.

The doctors and nurses started running around grabbing charts and monitors and calling down the hall to others. There was a lot of hustle and bustle as they filled the once emptied room to begin monitoring what was happening.

But I knew all along that it was a dream. I put my hands on the sides of his face and looked into his face and said, “Why can’t this be real?” and again I shouted, “Why can’t this be real?!” Nick just looked at me, smiled, and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “I don’t know.”

All the doctors and nurses stopped what they were doing immediately and filed quietly out of the hospital room. It’s like they were trying to perpetuate the fantasy and as soon as I admitted that I knew it was a dream, they all acted liked forlorn high schoolers who just got sent to the principal’s office because of a prank gone bad.

I sat there holding him and stroking him for about another minute or so before I woke up.

At the house on Washtenaw
Shortly before his birthday in 2008

We were having his birthday party at Juanita and Elio Passaglia’s old house on Washtenaw. We had tons of kids and family over playing in the backyard. I’m not sure what game they were playing, but Nick did not like that the game was not being played fair and he in particular was getting the raw end of the deal. So, I held open the screen to the porch door and said, “Come on in by me and take a break” and ducked his head to walk in under my arm.

I gave him something to eat and he sat down to eat at a table that was set up in the living room like Nana and Papa often did whenever they had Thanksgiving when I was a kid. He sat at the head of the table and began eating something that I had served him – I think it was birthday cake.

I continued to wash the dishes so we would have enough plates and silverware for desert and tried to act casual. I say that because inside I was all flustered and very, very excited to have him near. I knew that it was odd for him to be with me, but I’m not sure I knew he was supposed to be dead. I wanted to run over and crush him with hugs and kisses, but I felt that I had to hold back for some reason. I don’t know if I was afraid to scare him off or what my reasoning was. Maybe it was a lingering memory of the fact that Nick had grown into a stage of disliking hugs and kisses right during the last few months. I usually had to fight him for a goodnight kiss! But for whatever reason, I stayed at the sink.

I asked him, “So, how come you were able to come by today?” and he replied because my father brought me here. “So, I pressed him further and said, “Can you visit more often?” and he shrugged, “If my father lets me.” And that was the end of the conversation.

It seemed funny to me that he kept saying, “my father”. Did he mean Tony or God? Was it a revelation or wishful thinking?

Getting ready for school
Sometime after his birthday

This dream was weird because it seemed like it must have been running already before I fell asleep and I joined in the middle. Apparently, some time right before I joined the “dream-already-in-progress”, Nick had risen from the dead and found his way home. It must have been a weekend because all of the family had collected at the house and, though there was no official party, we were all very happy and talking and laughing and full of joyful disbelief.

When I had finally joined in, it was Monday morning and we were all having a quite unorganized and rushed breakfast together. I was running around trying to get the boys ready for school before Steve Pluth came by to pick them up to drive them. People were everywhere and there was lots of noise in the kitchen of dishes being washed and others finishing up. There were too many bodies for the square footage and everyone seemed to want to be in the front hallway to see Nicky leave for the day! We were laughing and making jokes about what the kids and teachers at school were going to say when they saw him walk into the building.

Then Steve pulled up and honked his horn and I instantly said, “Wait! What if he doesn’t have enough room in the truck for you? He wasn’t expecting you, you know!” Everyone smiled and then told Nick just to run out and see what Steve did. Then we all watched out the window.
Steve stared as wide eyed as he could while he watched Nick walk every single step from the front door to his truck. He stared at him a little more before he look at me and simply said, “What?!” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “He’s back!” Finally a smile crept across Steve’s face and he said, “Oh…OK…I guess, hop in!” And all the kids were laughing and talking and asking Nick a million and one questions as they pulled out the driveway.

Rash before bed
Mid-Late May 2008

The kids were upstairs getting ready for bed and Tony was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner. I went up to see if they were actually getting dressed or just goofing off and I noticed that Nick had a rash on his elbow and a sore on his stomach. I asked him if he was Ok and if it hurt; he said he didn’t even know it was there until I pointed it out.

I went to the top of the stairs where I could see Tony drying dishes in the kitchen and asked him to come up and have a look at Nick. He came and I asked, “Should I call the doctor or something?” and he said, “yea, sure. Call him in the morning, describe what it is and see if there’s a cream or something that can take it away.” But then I asked, “But will he believe me? Should I tell him it’s for Nick or should I just…I mean, is this real or just the best dream ever?”

Then Tony did a very interesting thing. He stared me right in the eye and looked for a second or two directly at me to make sure that I was looking at him and listening closely. Then he said very emphatically, “This is real. This is what is real.” It was his intensity that struck me and stayed with me until I woke up. It was like nothing else mattered except that I understood what reality was. I needed to know that our family as a complete unit is what’s real and this life we’re living on the outside is the mirage. He was so direct and intense that his voice and expression still effect me today.

At the Cemetery
June 5, 2008

This dream was the most fun for me because it was the most like everyday life and it included all three of the kids.

It was a beautiful, blue skied, 78 degree summer day. We were driving to the house at the cemetery to talk to Jack who owns and maintains Lockport Cemetery. I guess we should have been sad because apparently my father passed away and I was tying up some lose ends about the funeral. Apparently, my mom was mad that I had originally thought that he would be presented without his toupee and she wanted that changed. But it wasn’t until I was only a few feet from the cemetery house that I realized that Jack would have nothing to do with that and that I would need to go to the funeral home instead.

I had already parked, though, by the time I realized that I had to go to a different location. By that time, the boys had already rocketed out of the car and began chasing each other around. I guess Cody poked or hit or tagged Nick and therefore Nick was hot on his trail. They laughed and squealed and zigzagged between the head stones just barely eluding each other’s grasp.

I kept yelling for them to get in the car but they had already run so far I wasn’t sure they could hear me. So, I buckled Selah back up (she unbuckled herself to try to chase the boys) and then backed all the way up the hill with the side door still open. I swung around into the entryway of the south gate of the cemetery and saw that Nick was already high-tailing it back to the car. I guess he had succeeded in tagging Cody and now he was on the run! As he jumped in the car he said, “Cool driving mom!” I guess driving backwards at 10 miles an hour with the side door open seemed sort of “James Bond-ish” and I impressed him.

They both flew into the car with Cody still trying to tag Nick back while Nick yelled, “it doesn’t count we’re in the car” with a smile on his face and teasing in his voice because he knew that would drive Cody nuts! And it did, “yes it does!” he hollered back. “Get your seat belts on! We have to go!” I hollered back at both of them. Nick plopped down in the very back seat with a big smile and Cody slumped into the single seat next to Selah. Then I started driving home – forward, of course!

It was just such a nice dream to watch them running. Even when I was yelling for them to knock it off and get in the car, I wasn’t doing it very emphatically because I enjoyed seeing them run so much. They were giggling and racing and huffing and puffing. I even heard Cody’s high pitched laugh that comes straight from his toes that I don’t hear in real life anymore. I certainly miss the Cody who was of “Nick-n-Cody” as well as I miss Nick. He’s a different kid now – he doesn’t laugh, he gets frustrated and disappointed, acts very immature and angry. He has good days, actually a lot of amazingly good days, but he’s not been himself and I wonder if he ever will be again. I’ll know if it happens though. I’ll know when I hear that real, sincere, uncontrollable laugh that only Nick was able to draw out of him. It was nice to hear it even if it was only a dream.